A Scale, A Mirror And Those Indifferent Clocks. (imyourvirus) wrote in veg_ed,
A Scale, A Mirror And Those Indifferent Clocks.

So, I've had an eating disorder since I was 14. I'm 22 now. It comes and goes I suppose, to an extent, but the guilt of it never does. There has never been a time where I have not repeated in my head everything I have eaten.

I suppose I have Bulemia/Anorexia. And I don't want help for it which is the saddest part. But If I ever discover that someone else has it, I just feel so sad for them and I would never think of encouraging anyone to continue down the same path that I have gone down because it's terrible to hate yourself so much. I hope this isn't a community like that.

I'm not vegan, I'm vegetarian; can I still post here? I need somewhere to post. All those other communities seem to be communities that want to encourage eating disorders, and while I don't want help, I don't want to be a part of that.

My boyfriend knows about it, and he doesn't know what to do. I've been with him three years, and he's known about it the whole time. Mostly he just holds me if I ever come out of the bathroom after I've eaten something and he knows what I've done. I hardly eat in front of him and he's constantly asking me every day "What did you have for dinner? Did you eat lunch?" He wants me to get help, but I can't. It's such a selfish disease, I would rather lose him, or die, before I gain weight. Isn't that terrible? And I love him so much. I hate that I'm hurting him by hurting myself. Can any of you understand this?

It's this voice inside of you that you know sometimes just doesn't make sense but it's there and you have to listen to it. I know all the facts, I know it's psychological, but it's there and it's happening and I know I feel beautiful when I'm skinny and that's all I want. I'm a scientist and I know I need vitamins to live and be healthy and I know all the effects this has on my body and my hair is falling out and I don't get enough of them and I still just want to lose weight. It's so terribly tragic. I've been in the hospitals numerous times and no one has caught on and I never want them to. I hope you all never have to go through it so terribly. I hope you can keep it at bay at least a little bit.

Sometimes I can push it back and I think I'm okay, but when things in my life happen, then it comes rushing back. I don't know why I'm posting here, maybe just to get it out. I don't even tell my Pshycyatrist because I"m afraid she'll put me away.
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