autumn_leaving (autumn_leaving) wrote in veg_ed,

didn't know where else to post.

This community seems pretty quiet and I haven't posted here before, but I didn't know where else to go.  I left all the other ED communities because they were full of 12 year olds trying to fit into their bikinis, and I was so done listening to them all ask for tips on how to lose weight.

Anyway, last night my fiance discovered my "stash".  My diet pills, fabric tape measure, diet teas, protein water (no, not vegan, but at the time I bought it I didn't care), and so forth.  Pretty much every piece of physical evidence of my ED, which I have carefully hidden for years.  He pulled out the protein water and said, "Why on earth would you buy this, this is the dumbest thing I have ever seen" and proceeded to repeatedly ask me why I would purchase such items, tell me I'm fine the way I am, tell me it hurts him to know that I don't like myself, and mutter "it's not like it would work anyway, you don't even work out that much".

I was so completely shocked I didn't know what to do.  The things my ED has made me do are so gross to even think about that I was not about to share them with him.  He has been a faithful vegan for almost 15 years and I think he would be disgusted with me if he knew all the times I have bought yogurt and cheese while in binge-mode, only to get sick and regret it later.  Hell, it disgusts myself.  Anyway, I didn't say anything, I just told him to leave me alone and I went in the bathroom and cried.

When I came out he tried to get me to talk about it a couple more times but I just couldn't.  I tried to tell him once before and he told me I was making it up.  So what good would it even do now?

I don't know why I'm telling you guys this... maybe someone has an idea of what I should do about this.  He's not likely to drop it, but I'm not ready to seek treatment.  I have a baby so I honestly just don't have time (or a babysitter) to go to therapy.  But if I talk to him about it, I am afraid he's just going to say the same thing, that I look fine and I am making it up.  I guess I'm stuck either way.
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